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July 28, 2011
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All's fair in war [and] love
But [I've] fought for both.
Your [spent] cartridges scatter,
[all] for nothing.
Is [this] what lies look like?
[Time] does not guarantee love. (We've rusted.)
If you're [feeling] worthless, you're right.  
[Something] in your ceaseless grinding gears,
something in [you], tells me when to pull the trigger.
You [can't] do this anymore. I'm drained.
I [feel] the cold cogs in your eyes turning, scanning,
staring [at] me. You still want everything.
[All] of me me me. The hinge of your wrist beckons.  
[Oh], I'm tired of bullets and promises.
[You're] splintering my heart like a bone.
You're [a] war I'm done fighting.
You're a [machine].
Embedded poetry is taking a line from a pre-existing poem and building a new poem around it.

My line is "And I've spent all this time feeling something you can't feel at all, oh, you're a machine." This is from the song Machine by Josh Groban (fast-forward to 6:30). Go listen to it. It's glorious. Also, I'm in love with him, so.

P.S. (Wtf why aren't they lining up. :noes:)

Questions for #theWrittenRevolution:
:bulletblue: Did I successfully incorporate the themes of war, machines, and love?
:bulletblue: Are there any cliches I didn't manage to dodge?
:bulletblue: What do you think the tone is?
:bulletblue: Are there any awkward lines/images?
:bulletblue: Can you identify with this at all?

And here's the critique. Sorry it's so long and rambling and random. :p
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:iconsilverfleckedlullaby:
Critique by silverfleckedlullaby Aug 12, 2011, 10:13:23 AM
Hi!

I like the idea behind embedded poetry, although I've got to be honest and say the brackets were distracting.

I love how well this piece flows and how it still manages to have the rhythm of gunfire--you've definitely managed to integrate the subject matter and the form very well.

I know that the song and the line "you're a machine" are the inspiration for this piece, but I honestly felt that the last line was the weakest line in the poem, simply because 'machine' felt too incongruous and inadequate of an image. It's great what you've tried to do in using the lyrics, but I feel the piece would have a better ending line if you replaced the word machine.

Like I said, the rhythm of this piece is its greatest strength, and your use of alliteration and repetition and the occasional half-rhyme is very effective. I like the images you use, and though using the words "heart," "splintered," "eyes" and "promises" in a poem on romance makes it just a tiny bit cliche (I can't remember who put up a checklist on writing non-cliche love poems, but it's a great help, even if it is almost impossible to adhere to), other images, like "spent cartridges" and "the hinge of your wrist" make this piece fresh and original in its own right.

I had a few suggestions where punctuation is concerned, though it's really just nitpicking:

All's fair in war [and] love,
But [I've] fought for both.
Your [spent] cartridges scatter,
[all] for nothing.
Is [this] what lies look like?
[Time] does not guarantee love. (We've rusted.)
If you're [feeling] worthless, you're right.
[Something] in your ceaseless grinding gears,
something in [you], tells me when to pull the trigger.
You [can't] do this anymore. I'm drained.
I [feel] the cold cogs in your eyes turning, scanning,
staring [at] me. You still want everything.
[All] of me me me. The hinge of your wrist beckons.
[Oh], I'm tired of bullets and promises,
[You're] splintering my heart like a bone.
You're [a] war I'm done fighting:
You're a [machine].

Like I said, nitpicking :)

Overall, though, I enjoyed reading this piece, and I hope this amounts to some helpful feedback.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
4 out of 4 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

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:iconunrequited-ivy:
Unrequited-Ivy Featured By Owner Oct 5, 2011
Hello there, I do so enjoy this piece, because I've always enjoyed the theme of someone being mechanical.
And I apologize in advance for being nitpicky.

But, yeah, I feel that some words take away from this piece ( Heart, the expression of being drained. splintered) are all cliché and melodramatic when used with romantic poetry.

I do enjoy the fresh new expressions you have coined, but I feel that some of it... doesn't quite fit.
"war [and] love" for example, doesn't have the finesse the original statement had of 'love and war'
I also think that the '(We've rusted)' seems rather unnecessary, breaking the rhythm this piece has.

Also, I see the way sentence you've created in the poem, but it doesn't flow as well as it should.
"and I've spent all this time feeling something you can't feel at all. oh you're a machine.'
it seems to lack a decent flow, the sentence feel jerky and unnatural.
idk. Perhaps reconsider the words you choose? Also, perhaps you could break up the chunk of text into 2 pieces? Giving the poem a punctuation.

eg.
All's fair in war [and] love
But [I've] fought for both.
Your [spent] cartridges scatter,
[all] for nothing.
Is [this] what lies look like?
[Time] does not guarantee love. (We've rusted.)
If you're [feeling] worthless, you're right.
[Something] in your ceaseless grinding gears,
something in [you], tells me when to pull the trigger.
You [can't] do this anymore. I'm drained.
I [feel] the cold cogs in your eyes turning, scanning,
staring [at] me. You still want everything.
[All] of me me me. The hinge of your wrist beckons.

[Oh], I'm tired of bullets and promises.
[You're] splintering my heart like a bone.
You're [a] war I'm done fighting.
You're a [machine].

Sorry, just being overly attentive to the details.
Reply
:iconindigoskyes:
IndigoSkyes Featured By Owner Oct 11, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Please, by all means, nitpick away!

I was worried about it being cliched; I'll definitely re-visit those words.

Thank you so much for the thorough critique! I really appreciate it. :hug:
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:iconkj-illustration:
KJ-Illustration Featured By Owner Oct 1, 2011  Professional Digital Artist
Hi :heart: Your work has been featured in my September Feature: [link] :love: :hug:

ps. Please :+favlove: (in the left-hand-corner) the article to spread the love and attention if you enjoyed it (:
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:iconindigoskyes:
IndigoSkyes Featured By Owner Oct 1, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you! :faint:
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:iconxswiffy:
Xswiffy Featured By Owner Aug 22, 2011  Student Traditional Artist
I read it thinking that the lines were each a line from a different poem you'd found, and you put the brackets in to create your own line. So like, the opposite of what it was, haha. But either way, cool idea :)
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:iconindigoskyes:
IndigoSkyes Featured By Owner Aug 23, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Hee, thanks. :aww:
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:iconcatalyst374:
catalyst374 Featured By Owner Aug 16, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
I have to agree with the previous critique. The use of brackets in order to embed the line definitely detracted from the flow and aesthetic appeal of the poem. I had to read the entire line separately and then attempt to disregard the brackets in order to get into it. This partially may be due to a lack of exposure to embedded poetry. I liked the imagery and word choice throughout the poem up until the rather blunt final line. I think if the line featuring "machine" were incorporated in a different way, the ending wouldn't feel so straightforward for a poem with good descriptions. Also, this might be nitpicking, but in relation to you dodging cliches, the opening line was a bit of a red flag for me. My brain just wanted to swap "war" and "love" but that would have been too much. War definitely has more precedence over love in this case, and I think that was very adamant. Hopefully this mass of critique helps in some way!
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:iconindigoskyes:
IndigoSkyes Featured By Owner Aug 16, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you so much for the critique! It's much appreciated. (:

Others have pointed out the brackets; would bolding be the best choice?

I'm not quite sure what you mean in reference to the first line? :?
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:iconcatalyst374:
catalyst374 Featured By Owner Aug 16, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
bolding might help with the flow while still making the embedded words stand out. always worth a try! and in reference to the first line, the classic cliche "all's fair in love and war" was what i meant.
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:iconindigoskyes:
IndigoSkyes Featured By Owner Aug 17, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
All right, I shall make that edit. :nod:

I understood that you were referring to the first line, but I'm unsure as to what you meant by "..but that would have been too much. War definitely has more precedence over love in this case, and I think that was very adamant." Are you saying that me swapping the cliche was a good thing, or...? (Sorry, a bit slow today. :p)
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