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All's fair in war [and] love
But [I've] fought for both.
Your [spent] cartridges scatter,
[all] for nothing.
Is [this] what lies look like?
[Time] does not guarantee love. (We've rusted.)
If you're [feeling] worthless, you're right.  
[Something] in your ceaseless grinding gears,
something in [you], tells me when to pull the trigger.
You [can't] do this anymore. I'm drained.
I [feel] the cold cogs in your eyes turning, scanning,
staring [at] me. You still want everything.
[All] of me me me. The hinge of your wrist beckons.  
[Oh], I'm tired of bullets and promises.
[You're] splintering my heart like a bone.
You're [a] war I'm done fighting.
You're a [machine].
Embedded poetry is taking a line from a pre-existing poem and building a new poem around it.

My line is "And I've spent all this time feeling something you can't feel at all, oh, you're a machine." This is from the song Machine by Josh Groban (fast-forward to 6:30). Go listen to it. It's glorious. Also, I'm in love with him, so.

P.S. (Wtf why aren't they lining up. :noes:)

Questions for #theWrittenRevolution:
:bulletblue: Did I successfully incorporate the themes of war, machines, and love?
:bulletblue: Are there any cliches I didn't manage to dodge?
:bulletblue: What do you think the tone is?
:bulletblue: Are there any awkward lines/images?
:bulletblue: Can you identify with this at all?

And here's the critique. Sorry it's so long and rambling and random. :p
Add a Comment:
 
:iconsilverfleckedlullaby:
Critique by silverfleckedlullaby Aug 12, 2011, 10:13:23 AM
Hi!

I like the idea behind embedded poetry, although I've got to be honest and say the brackets were distracting.

I love how well this piece flows and how it still manages to have the rhythm of gunfire--you've definitely managed to integrate the subject matter and the form very well.

I know that the song and the line "you're a machine" are the inspiration for this piece, but I honestly felt that the last line was the weakest line in the poem, simply because 'machine' felt too incongruous and inadequate of an image. It's great what you've tried to do in using the lyrics, but I feel the piece would have a better ending line if you replaced the word machine.

Like I said, the rhythm of this piece is its greatest strength, and your use of alliteration and repetition and the occasional half-rhyme is very effective. I like the images you use, and though using the words "heart," "splintered," "eyes" and "promises" in a poem on romance makes it just a tiny bit cliche (I can't remember who put up a checklist on writing non-cliche love poems, but it's a great help, even if it is almost impossible to adhere to), other images, like "spent cartridges" and "the hinge of your wrist" make this piece fresh and original in its own right.

I had a few suggestions where punctuation is concerned, though it's really just nitpicking:

All's fair in war [and] love,
But [I've] fought for both.
Your [spent] cartridges scatter,
[all] for nothing.
Is [this] what lies look like?
[Time] does not guarantee love. (We've rusted.)
If you're [feeling] worthless, you're right.
[Something] in your ceaseless grinding gears,
something in [you], tells me when to pull the trigger.
You [can't] do this anymore. I'm drained.
I [feel] the cold cogs in your eyes turning, scanning,
staring [at] me. You still want everything.
[All] of me me me. The hinge of your wrist beckons.
[Oh], I'm tired of bullets and promises,
[You're] splintering my heart like a bone.
You're [a] war I'm done fighting:
You're a [machine].

Like I said, nitpicking :)

Overall, though, I enjoyed reading this piece, and I hope this amounts to some helpful feedback.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
5 out of 5 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

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:iconunrequited-ivy:
Unrequited-Ivy Featured By Owner Oct 5, 2011
Hello there, I do so enjoy this piece, because I've always enjoyed the theme of someone being mechanical.
And I apologize in advance for being nitpicky.

But, yeah, I feel that some words take away from this piece ( Heart, the expression of being drained. splintered) are all cliché and melodramatic when used with romantic poetry.

I do enjoy the fresh new expressions you have coined, but I feel that some of it... doesn't quite fit.
"war [and] love" for example, doesn't have the finesse the original statement had of 'love and war'
I also think that the '(We've rusted)' seems rather unnecessary, breaking the rhythm this piece has.

Also, I see the way sentence you've created in the poem, but it doesn't flow as well as it should.
"and I've spent all this time feeling something you can't feel at all. oh you're a machine.'
it seems to lack a decent flow, the sentence feel jerky and unnatural.
idk. Perhaps reconsider the words you choose? Also, perhaps you could break up the chunk of text into 2 pieces? Giving the poem a punctuation.

eg.
All's fair in war [and] love
But [I've] fought for both.
Your [spent] cartridges scatter,
[all] for nothing.
Is [this] what lies look like?
[Time] does not guarantee love. (We've rusted.)
If you're [feeling] worthless, you're right.
[Something] in your ceaseless grinding gears,
something in [you], tells me when to pull the trigger.
You [can't] do this anymore. I'm drained.
I [feel] the cold cogs in your eyes turning, scanning,
staring [at] me. You still want everything.
[All] of me me me. The hinge of your wrist beckons.

[Oh], I'm tired of bullets and promises.
[You're] splintering my heart like a bone.
You're [a] war I'm done fighting.
You're a [machine].

Sorry, just being overly attentive to the details.
Reply
:iconindigoskyes:
IndigoSkyes Featured By Owner Oct 11, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Please, by all means, nitpick away!

I was worried about it being cliched; I'll definitely re-visit those words.

Thank you so much for the thorough critique! I really appreciate it. :hug:
Reply
:iconkj-illustration:
KJ-Illustration Featured By Owner Oct 1, 2011  Professional Digital Artist
Hi :heart: Your work has been featured in my September Feature: [link] :love: :hug:

ps. Please :+favlove: (in the left-hand-corner) the article to spread the love and attention if you enjoyed it (:
Reply
:iconindigoskyes:
IndigoSkyes Featured By Owner Oct 1, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you! :faint:
Reply
:iconxswiffy:
Xswiffy Featured By Owner Aug 22, 2011  Student Traditional Artist
I read it thinking that the lines were each a line from a different poem you'd found, and you put the brackets in to create your own line. So like, the opposite of what it was, haha. But either way, cool idea :)
Reply
:iconindigoskyes:
IndigoSkyes Featured By Owner Aug 23, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Hee, thanks. :aww:
Reply
:iconcatalyst374:
catalyst374 Featured By Owner Aug 16, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
I have to agree with the previous critique. The use of brackets in order to embed the line definitely detracted from the flow and aesthetic appeal of the poem. I had to read the entire line separately and then attempt to disregard the brackets in order to get into it. This partially may be due to a lack of exposure to embedded poetry. I liked the imagery and word choice throughout the poem up until the rather blunt final line. I think if the line featuring "machine" were incorporated in a different way, the ending wouldn't feel so straightforward for a poem with good descriptions. Also, this might be nitpicking, but in relation to you dodging cliches, the opening line was a bit of a red flag for me. My brain just wanted to swap "war" and "love" but that would have been too much. War definitely has more precedence over love in this case, and I think that was very adamant. Hopefully this mass of critique helps in some way!
Reply
:iconindigoskyes:
IndigoSkyes Featured By Owner Aug 16, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you so much for the critique! It's much appreciated. (:

Others have pointed out the brackets; would bolding be the best choice?

I'm not quite sure what you mean in reference to the first line? :?
Reply
:iconcatalyst374:
catalyst374 Featured By Owner Aug 16, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
bolding might help with the flow while still making the embedded words stand out. always worth a try! and in reference to the first line, the classic cliche "all's fair in love and war" was what i meant.
Reply
:iconindigoskyes:
IndigoSkyes Featured By Owner Aug 17, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
All right, I shall make that edit. :nod:

I understood that you were referring to the first line, but I'm unsure as to what you meant by "..but that would have been too much. War definitely has more precedence over love in this case, and I think that was very adamant." Are you saying that me swapping the cliche was a good thing, or...? (Sorry, a bit slow today. :p)
Reply
:iconcatalyst374:
catalyst374 Featured By Owner Aug 22, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
Sorry for the late reply. I meant that my mind immediately thought "oh look, the old 'all's fair in love and war' cliche". But in the case of the poem, war seems to be more of a prominent motif than love, so I liked how you switched it to "war and love". Hopefully that makes sense :)
Reply
:iconindigoskyes:
IndigoSkyes Featured By Owner Aug 23, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Oh I get it now. :dummy:
Reply
:iconndris970:
ndris970 Featured By Owner Aug 14, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
I really enjoyed this piece. To me, there's no question that this poem reflects the theme of love. Comparing the object of a cold machine.

1) despite when describing the 'machine' the language itself is very 'human' and emoton driven.
2) While the images are very machine driven, they're not driven from the SAME machine. So it makes the machine a 'general idea' and 'metophor' to me, instead of a specific object.

You're flow is very strong. There are a few moments such as "Is [this] what lies look like?
" and "You [can't] do this anymore. I'm drained." where I think I'd want to hear your actually speak it-because the pause seems a little excessive when I read it.

Overall, I really enjoy this. Thanks for the fun read ^_^
Reply
:iconindigoskyes:
IndigoSkyes Featured By Owner Aug 14, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you for the feedback!

Do you think it would work as spoken word, too?
Reply
:iconndris970:
ndris970 Featured By Owner Aug 14, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
I think it would. Although emphasis on the seed quote would take some creativity... the rest of it will work really well as spoken word. It has a good natural rhythm.
Reply
:iconindigoskyes:
IndigoSkyes Featured By Owner Aug 15, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Awesome, I'll try it out sometime. (:
Reply
:iconavallynh:
Avallynh Featured By Owner Aug 14, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
First off, the song pretty much immediately sprang to mind as I read the verses, though whether that's because of the pertinence of the piece to it or because of my own obsession with Josh Groban, I can't quite say. Let's chalk one for both, shall we? :P

In answer to your crit questions:

1. Yes, I believe you did, and for the most part without shoving them in the reader's face.
2. None that the rest of the imagery can't compensate for -- I think you've done a pretty good job of keeping it fresh.
3. Weary, I believe, but with resilience in the underbreath, enough to pull away from the grind.
4. If I absolutely have to pick something, I'd suggest trying to split the tenth line after the first sentence, just to see what it looks like. I do see what you're getting at putting it together, though. It doesn't not work.
5. In a somewhat nonspecific way, yes.
Reply
:iconindigoskyes:
IndigoSkyes Featured By Owner Aug 14, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you so much for your feedback! Much appreciated. (:

Cheers to another obsessed fan. :highfive:
Reply
:iconmeerkat14:
meerkat14 Featured By Owner Aug 11, 2011
oh, i love this poem. i really adore the way you've embedded the quote, it took me a moment to realize and then a little smile broke out over my face.

but anyways onto your questions:

yes. the themes are well incorporated - machines and love more seamlessly than war, i believe (the war imagery seems a tiny bit disjointed to me - but i think it works personally).

i think that although the theme of this piece may be a tad cliche (love and war and such) the fact that you've a) popped machines in there and b) used such wonderful, original and related imagery (i.e. the hinge of your wrist) presents it in a new and interesting manner.

the tone of this seems to be... defeated. defeated but not broken - i'm not exactly sure why the not broken, but it just seems through the way you have used langauge that there is a hope for this person. i quite like it.

the only issue i have with awkwardness is the line Is [this] what lies look like?, and only because my brain has difficulty processing plurals with singular... pronouns? i don't this is and this are pronouns but, i hope you understand what i mean. i don't think that changing it to are these would make it less awkward though - it's really just an opinion thing.

i can relate to this, a little bit... but from the other end of the poem, the one who is splintering the heart (LOVELY imagery there) and can't feel what the other can. which probably isn't good - but this poem is emotional for me.

so, there you go! :D
Reply
:iconindigoskyes:
IndigoSkyes Featured By Owner Aug 11, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you so much for the feedback! Very much appreciated. :hug:
Reply
:iconprettythings9:
PrettyThings9 Featured By Owner Aug 11, 2011
oh, so wonderful! i can practically hear the grind of gears and smell the oil :O

i think you incorporated the themes masterfully; the reader is never sure if the subject is literally a robot, the 'war' is just a struggle for requieted love, or and actual war, or all a load of metaphors. and that makes it brilliant; everyone will read it diferently! i personally like to think that the narrator's unrequieted love has become so distorted that they literally think the person is a robot.

it's wonderfully original because instead of talking about blood and heat, everything is angular and cold and metallic, yet somehow still very dirty and human. or so i think :D though, i will be honest, the second part of the poem (which i see as starting in line 8) is stronger than the first half. the images aren't so much cliched, but they are a little...obvious? the grandiose statement 'times doesn't guarantee love' kinda conflicts with the wonderfully infitissimal details later of the wrist beconing in that mechanical manner...but this just may be me :P

ummm...for tone, see my first paragraph...

personally, i think the theme of distortion (or at least, i perceive it as such) is the most interesting. i can identify with the feeling of finding someone else completely incomprehensible and distant so much so that i must almost think them something other than human...

all in all, this is a lovely piece. i shall now go forth and check out that song! (whoa, epic comment thar)
Reply
:iconindigoskyes:
IndigoSkyes Featured By Owner Aug 11, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you so much!
I very much appreciate the huge comment. They really make my day. :love:
I'm so glad you liked it.

So how'd you like the song? :giggle:
Reply
:iconprettythings9:
PrettyThings9 Featured By Owner Aug 12, 2011
aw, you're welcome! it was my pleasure :)

it's a lot more upbeat than i imagined...but his voice is amazing! there's a lot of emotion there :D
Reply
:iconindigoskyes:
IndigoSkyes Featured By Owner Aug 14, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
I'm in LOVE with that man. :iconhurrplz:
Reply
:iconprettythings9:
PrettyThings9 Featured By Owner Aug 15, 2011
hahahahha, well, good luck to you both! ;)
Reply
:iconrainingblackstars:
RainingBlackStars Featured By Owner Aug 11, 2011  Student Traditional Artist
O.e I have no words. This is amazing :faint:
:love:
Reply
:iconindigoskyes:
IndigoSkyes Featured By Owner Aug 11, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you so much!
Reply
:iconcarmalain7:
Carmalain7 Featured By Owner Aug 11, 2011
You have to use the html coding of & n b s p ; (no spaces) in order to have spaces actually show up in your formatting.
Reply
:iconindigoskyes:
IndigoSkyes Featured By Owner Aug 11, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Oh. Thank you!
Reply
:iconharshmittal:
harshmittal Featured By Owner Aug 11, 2011  Student Digital Artist
This is the sooo AWESOMEEE!!!
Reply
:iconindigoskyes:
IndigoSkyes Featured By Owner Aug 11, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
:lol: Thank you!
Reply
:iconwh0rem0ans:
wh0rem0ans Featured By Owner Aug 11, 2011
I got hung up in the technique. Must the message be the same? I would find it interesting to do an opposite theme, I think.
Reply
:iconindigoskyes:
IndigoSkyes Featured By Owner Aug 11, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Perhaps I'll try that! (:
The thing is, unless you're making a conscious effort to have the message be the opposite, the poem tends to trend more or less in the same direction as the seed.
Reply
:iconwh0rem0ans:
wh0rem0ans Featured By Owner Aug 11, 2011
That is what makes it a fun challenge, to me.
Reply
:iconindigoskyes:
IndigoSkyes Featured By Owner Aug 11, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
I'll definitely give it a shot. :nod:
Reply
:iconkallia-goldenwings:
kallia-goldenwings Featured By Owner Aug 10, 2011
:bulletblue: first where is you speak of the idea you don't explain the idea
:bulletblue: no
:bulletblue: the tone seem as if one is looking back and one is fool of regret
:bulletblue: no
:bulletblue: yeah this seem to me to be like hat which happens when one loves to strong and that love is not returned by the one another loves
Reply
:iconindigoskyes:
IndigoSkyes Featured By Owner Aug 10, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you for answering my questions. (:
Reply
:iconkallia-goldenwings:
kallia-goldenwings Featured By Owner Aug 11, 2011
your welcome
Reply
:iconjulij90809:
JuliJ90809 Featured By Owner Aug 10, 2011  Student Writer
Have to say, I like the revised/edited version much better than the original. It just flows better and feels more like a coherent piece because you're keeping the metaphor incredibly consistent. Nice job!
...it's a pain in the butt that dA limits formatting so much, though.
Reply
:iconindigoskyes:
IndigoSkyes Featured By Owner Aug 10, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
I like this better too. It's what's going into the anthology!

I wish dA wasn't such a jerk about formatting. ):
Reply
:iconjulij90809:
JuliJ90809 Featured By Owner Aug 10, 2011  Student Writer
Do you know when they're going to send out the anthology? And when they'll put out the podcast?
Reply
:iconindigoskyes:
IndigoSkyes Featured By Owner Aug 10, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
I have no idea, but I suppose you could ask either K.L. or Regie. :shrug:
Reply
:iconmidnightsun16:
MidnightSun16 Featured By Owner Aug 1, 2011  Hobbyist Writer

i love it.
the fact that the lines aren't lining up, really helps the poem.
it makes it more passionate, more powerful.. :]
great work, and gorgeous language as always.
Reply
:iconindigoskyes:
IndigoSkyes Featured By Owner Aug 1, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you! :hug:
Reply
:iconmidnightsun16:
MidnightSun16 Featured By Owner Aug 1, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
no problem :]
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