Machine

Hi!

I like the idea behind embedded poetry, although I've got to be honest and say the brackets were distracting.

I love how well this piece flows and how it still manages to have the rhythm of gunfire--you've definitely managed to integrate the subject matter and the form very well.

I know that the song and the line "you're a machine" are the inspiration for this piece, but I honestly felt that the last line was the weakest line in the poem, simply because 'machine' felt too incongruous and inadequate of an image. It's great what you've tried to do in using the lyrics, but I feel the piece would have a better ending line if you replaced the word machine.

Like I said, the rhythm of this piece is its greatest strength, and your use of alliteration and repetition and the occasional half-rhyme is very effective. I like the images you use, and though using the words "heart," "splintered," "eyes" and "promises" in a poem on romance makes it just a tiny bit cliche (I can't remember who put up a checklist on writing non-cliche love poems, but it's a great help, even if it is almost impossible to adhere to), other images, like "spent cartridges" and "the hinge of your wrist" make this piece fresh and original in its own right.

I had a few suggestions where punctuation is concerned, though it's really just nitpicking:

All's fair in war [and] love,
But [I've] fought for both.
Your [spent] cartridges scatter,
[all] for nothing.
Is [this] what lies look like?
[Time] does not guarantee love. (We've rusted.)
If you're [feeling] worthless, you're right.
[Something] in your ceaseless grinding gears,
something in [you], tells me when to pull the trigger.
You [can't] do this anymore. I'm drained.
I [feel] the cold cogs in your eyes turning, scanning,
staring [at] me. You still want everything.
[All] of me me me. The hinge of your wrist beckons.
[Oh], I'm tired of bullets and promises,
[You're] splintering my heart like a bone.
You're [a] war I'm done fighting:
You're a [machine].

Like I said, nitpicking <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/s/s…" width="15" height="15" alt="" title=" (Smile)"/>

Overall, though, I enjoyed reading this piece, and I hope this amounts to some helpful feedback.